Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Presidential Brainwashing FTW!

From the beginning of this dust-up, I couldn’t help but think of watching Nancy Reagan telling me to “say no to drugs”, of our local Congress people coming to my tiny school to talk with us about civic responsibility, of my 5th grade classroom watching the President address the nation after The Challenger explosion, and of watching the presidential debates in high school.

I am certain that my family didn’t agree with all of the political stance of these people, but it taught me to listen to differing views and that it was good to serve your country no matter your politics. It saddens me that parents aren’t allowing their children the same opportunities now.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Dream

I started having The Dream as soon as I started dating after Mark died. The Dream is some version of me cheating on Mark. I wake up feeling sad and needlessly guilty and questioning my decisions.

The Dream used to be bad enough when I was just dating and before William and I were really committed to each other. Then The Dream was just cheating. When William and I made the commitment and after we got married, The Dream took on a new twist. Not only was I cheating on Mark, but I have to figure out how to tell him I'm choosing William.

My marriage with Mark wasn't always easy and was almost always very stressful. I have a very different relationship and marriage with William and even in waking hours, I sometimes feel guilty about how different my life is now. In The Dream, I have the horrible feeling of knowing that I want to be with William, trying to explain my marriage (because even in The Dream, Mark was dead, it wasn't that I was cheating on him when we were married, so he doesn't understand how I could have gotten married again), and knowing that I have to break Mark's heart.

I think the pregnancy hormones are making The Dream come to the forefront again. I'm not getting much sleep. And when I do sleep, I often have The Dream.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Things I Wish...

I were eating right now...

  • Fluffernutter on white bread,
  • Oreos,
  • Weinerschniztel hot dog on a pretzel bun,
  • Chips and salsa from the joint across the street,
  • Root beer float, and/or
  • Any flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream that involves caramel.

But I'm not. I have gestational diabetes and have for 8 weeks now. So, that means I'm being as healthy as possible for both the baby and me. I check my blood sugar 4 times a day, I give myself insulin before bed, and I eat my perscribed number of carbs and amount of protein at each meal and snack every two hours or so.

I'm happy to do it, but I really want a cookie.