Friday, June 19, 2009

Home, Sweet Home. Please?

We live with my husband's parents, and we are paying off a lot of debt. It's been incredibly helpful and Nicholas loves living out in the country. He gets to run and play and explore. W is getting his master's degree right now and we're going to live with his parents until he's done and has a job. It's possible that we'll leave the town we live in now, but it's equally possible that W will find a job here and we'll stay. Regardless, we won't be moving for at least 8 months or so, and his parents have been great to ask us to live with them to save money and try to get ahead. Those are all wonderful and important things. [Do you hear the "but" coming?]

But, I am so ready for a house. I've never lived in my own house. I want a space that we can paint and arrange and care for. Something that we are going to own. Something we aren't renting. I have always liked the apartments I've lived in, and they fit my needs at the time, but I want a yard. I want us to be responsible for mowing and watering and battling worms and aphids. I want a home.

Living in an apartment, and now with W's parents, has never bothered me before. The feeling I have about having a house right now is a lot like the longing I had when we were trying to get pregnant with N. Every time I saw a baby back then, it hurt that we hadn't been able to have a baby of our own. While I don't hurt when I see houses for rent or for sale, I sure do notice them.

I'm sure the feeling has intensified since we moved to sharing a space with other people that isn't our own (or even our own rented). The trick will now be not to go overboard and when we have the chance to have a home of our own. I have a feeling I might just jump at the first place that presents itself!

I probably should stop watching the Style network and HGTV. It just makes my home envy even worse. Excuse me while I turn off the television.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

"Pretend Daddy" vs. "Real Daddy"

I thought we had the labels pretty well defined, Daddy Mark is the daddy in Heaven and Daddy is the daddy here. My son, Nicholas had just turned 2 when William (a.k.a Daddy) and I started dating and we’ve been married a couple of months now. Nicholas will turn 4 tomorrow, and suddenly the ease of knowing the difference between the two daddys is sliding a bit.

We’ve had confusion about Daddy Mark in the past year. We have photos up in N’s room of Daddy Mark holding N, and there are two particular photos that N is fascinated with. They are both of Mark holding N just after delivery (see left), and N loves for me to tell him about his birth. For a while, N would get confused between his birth story and the story of Mark’s time in the hospital when he died. N thought that the picture of Mark and him was when “Daddy Mark was so sick in the hospital that the doctors couldn’t make his body better.” I spent quite a bit of time explaining the difference in why we were in the hospital for N’s birth and why Mark was in the hospital when he was sick. Nicholas seems to get it for the most part, but is still confused about it sometimes.

William and I began referring to him as “Daddy” after we got engaged. Nicholas didn’t seem to have any trouble with the transition (I’m sure it helped that he wasn’t quite 3 yet), and William has been Daddy ever since. In the past three or four months though, Nicholas has referred to William as “Pretend” Daddy a few times. When asked what he meant, Nicholas said, “Daddy is Pretend Daddy and God is the Real Daddy.” And who can argue with that. We had a brief discussion about how God created us all and so he is parent to all of us but that doesn’t make Daddy pretend Daddy or Mommy pretend Mommy. I should have known that wouldn’t be the end of it.

Now Nicholas is saying that when Daddy Mark gets better, Daddy won’t be his real daddy any more and that will make Nicholas sad. I think part of this stems from the conversations we’ve had where I told him I believe that Daddy Mark is healthy and happy in Heaven and his body isn’t sick any longer. But who knows, Nicholas could be making this up from whole cloth.

I probably wouldn’t think too much about it, and just keep reinforcing that William is Daddy and that Daddy Mark is in Heaven, but I know it’s painful for William. I try to help him see that it’s not a preference or judgment on him as a father, that N is just confused; but, I can see how it would hurt. William is N’s Daddy, and nobody who sees them together would doubt it.

Any thoughts on where you think the origin of the confusion might be? Do you think there is a better phrase for Mark? Is it confusing for N to have two daddys? I would love to hear what you think!

*Photo of Daddy and N courtesy of Rebel With A Camera.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

What's In A Name?

I like the name of this blog, it seems to convey my reasoning...not much logic with a little tentativeness thrown in for good measure. But, it's been used fairly often. So, I'm trying to find a new one.

I think I'm having identity issues. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this world? Wait...I think I'm just trying to figure out what I should call a blog. Nothing earth-shattering, eh? Still, I want it to reflect me.

Something about scrapping? Motherhood? Writing? Cupcakes? Pajamas? Sass? Ladybugs? Luck?

How about... ScrappingWritingMommyEatingCupcakesInPajamasWithSassWhoThinksLadybugsBringLuck? Too long? Not descriptive enough?

You give me a suggestion then!